Michael Jordan is Running for US Senate as a Republican

Michael Jordan has been ruffling Democrat feathers ever since he came out in support of veterans over Colin Kaepernick. He left the Board of Directors of Nike, taking his anti-gravity juice for Air Jordans with him. The company lost $4 billion.

Less than a month ago, Jordan changed his party affiliation. Democrats called him a racist.

Now, to ice the cake of Democrat shame, Jordan will be running for the Senate in 2020 — as a Republican.

He’ll run against sitting Democrat Senator Stuart Boll. Boll says he’s not concerned now that Jordan has shown his true colors:

“Jordan has obviously left the realm of reality and returned to his North Carolina roots. He’s not an Illinoiser. He’s a southerner. And a Republican. We all ‘K-K-K know’ what that means, right?”

Jordan is far too classy to respond. He did release a picture of himself wearing his famous Confederate Flag boxer shorts under his basketball uniform at NCU. The caption was “Heritage Not Hate.” Several historians reminded him that his family was owned by southerners, which is not the same thing as being a southerner. The irony was lost somehow.

Jordan’s attorney, Art Tubolls, released a statement to respond:

“Michael Jordan is running as a Republican because everyone knows the Democrats formed the KKK and then they fought against the rights of the Confederacy. They also tried to repeal the 20th Amendment and created the Emoluments Clause that is such a thorn in President Trump’s side. Future Senator Jordan knows exactly why he’s a Republican.”

This is great news for a party the Democrats call racist. It is a scientific fact that a party with a single black person in it cannot be racist. Period. Please get out there and cast your vote for Jordan in 2020, no matter what state you’re from.

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Nancy Pelosi Restricts Trump’s Capitol Building Access: ‘He’s Not Welcome Here’

In an unprecedented move that shows just how much Nancy Pelosi is willing to hurt the President, she has rescinded his open invitation to visit Capitol Hill. “He’s not welcome here,” Pelosi said as she stormed out of a press conference, “he’s a disgusting human being.”

As Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi has exclusive rights to approve or deny entry to anyone who is not an elected member of Congress. Until now, no Speaker has ever exerted that right against a President. According to Pelosi’s official spokesman, Art Tubolls, the move may be unorthodox, but it’s well within her power:

“The US Constitution clearly states that the Speaker of the House is responsible for oversight of the House guest list. The President’s name has typically always been added as a courtesy. She no longer sees a reason to extend that courtesy to this President.

“As long as he refuses to testify, offer evidence, and order his staff to cooperate with Congressional subpoenas, he can stay over there in the Oval Office bathroom flushing the toilet and tweeting like an angry adolescent.”

The Republicans in Congress have filed a motion with the Supreme Court to have Pelosi’s power to restrict the Chief Executives access rescinded. Lindsay Graham says that this kind of thing is exactly why he’s decided to go all-in and support the President’s every mov3e:

“I’m on his side. Democrats think he must have some kind of evidence against me, which is why I changed from despising everything about him to supporting him unequivicolly, but it’s actually much simpler. I’d sell my own mother to own the libs.”

That sentiment seems to be running rampant these days, with conservatives all across America willing to do and say things they wouldn’t normally do or say because making liberals upset is so much fun. Finally, politics has moved into an era we can work with.

God bless America.

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Nancy Pelosi’s Drinking Reaches A New Low

Nancy Pelosi isn’t even hiding it anymore. According to her own aids, the drunken Speaker of the House is now having mimosas at the podium for breakfast, rum and Coke for lunch, and straight vodka in between:

“Her oranje Juice is more champagne than orange juice, and she doesn’t even use American rum for her lunch drinks.

“The worst is that cup of water you see sitting there all day. She’s drinking straight vodka.”

According to House rules, no member can imbibe alcohol while the chamber is in session. The rule, however, was specifically changed to exclude the Speaker shortly after the 2018 election. House spokesman, Art Tubolls, says there’s nothing illegal about it:

“The Speaker has the most stressful job in Washington. She has to keep the House running, approve what the Senate will discuss, and oversee the Executive Oversight Committee. Having a few drinks isn’t something new. Newt Gingrich was known to use opiates at the podium, and Paul Ryan was a known steroid abuser. Nancy is just doing what speakers do up there. She should be commended, not vilified.”

That’s a strange take on the most powerful woman in Washington’s drinking problem, but hey…Democrats are great at spinning the truth into things that never happened, like Russian collusion and Trump’s abuse of power.

Mitch McConnell says the Senate is looking into ways to stop this morally bankrupt woman from doing any further damage to the country.

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Malia Obama’s Biological Mother Reveals The Truth About Michelle

Michelle Obama has been lying for 21 years, and now there’s proof. Her “daughter,” Malia, isn’t her daughter at all, according to a woman claiming to be the young woman’s biological mother.

Verified sources that may or may not have worked for the Obamas in Chicago tell us that the woman in question, Sandy Batt, has proof to back her claim and a bunch of interesting stories to tell. One of those sources, who agreed to be interviewed on condition of anonymity, says Michelle is doing way more than deceiving the American people:

“Ms. Batt is a wealthy Caucasian woman from upstate New York who made a mistake and cheated on her husband, who has just recently passed. She spent the last 4 months of her pregnancy hiding out in Chicago, where she met Michelle and Barack, who were both still men at the time. She agreed to give them the baby and $4 million to care for her, which they used to buy positions of power.

“Ms. Batt gave up the kid and went back to her husband, who never knew what happened. He never would have guessed that his wife had an affair with a black man. In fact, she said that had the baby been white, she probably would have kept her.

“Over the next decade, the Obamas demanded more and more from her, amassing a huge fortune off of someone else’s mistake. Now that her husband has died, she wants to set the record straight.”

So not only did the Obamas fake being real parents, they also extorted this poor woman for millions until they had enough to buy Barack a Senate seat, which he used to illegally take over the White House. Batt also confirmed that Obama is a Muslim from Kenya, something he admitted to while she was staying with them.

Just another day of corruption and lies from the former First Family, which isn’t really a family but a collection of lies.

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FBI Ignored Evidence That Hillary Clinton Put A Hit Out On Bret Kavanaugh

The Department of Justice has reportedly uncovered evidence that Hillary Clinton had a hit put out on Bret Kavanaugh a week before he was sworn in, but James Comey and the FBI covered it up. According to a leaked report from the White House:

“Clinton paid more than $5 million in retainer fees to hitmen across the country to eliminate Bret kavanaugh. She was questioned by then-Director Comey himself, and let go — even though there was physical and circumstantial evidence to prove she wanted him dead.”

The report was intentionally leaked from Mick Mulvaney’s office in the hopes that the American people would see first-hand just how sick the Clinton Crime Family can be. According to Presidential aid, Art Tubolls:

“James Comey let a murderer go, and he has to pay for that. She has to pay for her crimes. Our sources say Clinton traded the promise of a high-ranking Deep State position for Comey’s silence, along with several million dollars in negotiable Yogi Bera bonds.”

How she keeps getting away with this stuff is simply outrageous. Hopefully, this time AG Barr will step in and issue a warrant for her arrest personally and seize all of her assets. That’s what she really deserves.

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Kathy Griffin Calls Melania : ‘Travolta in Drag’ On ‘The View’

Still trawling to make a comeback after nearly destroying her career by saying terrible things about the President and laughingly displaying a decapitated head photoshoot, liberal “comedianne” Kathy Griffin will appear next week in a segment taped for morning show “The View”. During the segment, she reverts directly back to the type of twisted and insulting humor that made her name more hated than Cousin Oliver at a Brady Bunch reunion.

Her tirade of treason began halfway through the interview, when host Joy Behar asked the carrot-topped crap-factory what she thought about the upcoming election, and who she preferred among the candidates. Griffin laughed and launched into what appeared to be her “schtick” :

“Oh, God, I’d vote for anyone over Trump, of course. If they ran Sirhan Sirhan against him, I’d line up at the voting booth with copies of ‘Double Fantasy’! Am I right? I think we’ve had enough of the fat sunburned version of Richie Rich waddling his way around the world in our name. And his wife, Melania. Is that John Travolta in drag? I mean seriously? Have we seen them both at the same place at the same time? I mean, a face like that has had more than one fish-hook stuck in it, if you know what I mean.”

Griffin went on from there to call the President’s sons the “Mounds and Almond Joy of human beings, because nobody’s ever gonna put either one of those disgusting things in their mouth.” After a time-out for a commercial break, the D-lister seemed a bit calmed, but steered the discussion back to her Trump Derangement Syndrome blabbering :

“I think what we need to do is cover him in fresh pico de gallo, and throw him into one of those facilities where he has those kids in those cages. Can you imagine? It would be like one of those National Geograhic videos where a bunch of cheetahs take down an old smelly elephant. I’d totally pay to watch that. And we could donate all the proceeds to Planned Parenthood since we know Trump owes women in general a hell of a lot of respect. Word up, sisters!”

The mostly liberal-leaning Birkenstock-clad studio audience howled with approval and applause during the segment, and Secret Service denied that they would investigate the remarks as a credible threat

Biden Campaign Caught Using Money From Obama’s Iran Deal

Just when you’d thought you’d seen the best of the Biden clan’s corruption, a new bombshell has blasted into Washington and the media. Intrepid journalists from highly respected and accredited news source Breitbart uncovered a money trail leading from those giant pallets of cash that former President Obama sent to the Iranians to the Biden campaign to the tune of eleventy billion dollars. Lead investigator Joeseph Baroni filed and published the story this morning to a firestorm of controversy.

The report details former allegations that when Obama arranged the deal with Iran and for some reason known only to irrational conservative dumbledicks, converted all the money into cash to load on pallets and physically ship to the theocratic nation instead of simply ordering American banks holding on to their money to release and transfer it electronically, much of those funds ended up in the coffers of the Biden campaign’s funding vaults. Baroni suspects the money was transferred by use of a helicopter, which was equipped with a giant pencil tipped with an enormous wad of chewing gum, and dipped down into the cash, pulled back up with the money stuck on, and then flown away. In a follow-up interview, Jon Guluv, CEO of Hubba Bubba Chewing Gum Inc. denied any involvement with the campaign and refused all interviews.

The question behind this shocking turn of events, is “Was all of this planned in advance during the Obama Presidency?” And if so, what legal culpability does the Bamboozler of Benghazi have? For insight, we asked Fox News Teabag Expert Stumpy O’Reilley, illegitimate son of Bill O’Reilley to opine :

All in all, the entire situation reeks of corruption far more sinister than the petty crimes committed by the Trump administration that caused America’s syphalitic President to be impeached. Let’s hope Attorney General Barr’s department of Pretend Justice will leap into the fray.

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Donald Trump Considers Flying Confederate Battle Flag After NASCAR Race

Our president Donald Trump is feeling pumped up after his victorious lap at the Daytona 500 NASCAR race today. After making a spectacular landing in front of a roaring crowd, he made a lap on the race track and gave the command to “START YOUR ENGINES!!”

He settled in to enjoy the race with thousands of adoring fans and couldn’t help but notice how much pride the fans took in their drivers… and the Confederate Battle Flag.

After speaking with fans and seeing a sea of confederate flags and white faces, Donald Trump has started the process of flying the flag at not only the White House, but his own home in Mar-A-Lago, Florida.

“I am now an official Southerner, as you know I am now a permanent resident of Florida after leaving the liberal mess that is New York City” he stated. In front of the crowd, who stank and who had very little teeth, chugging beer and spitting tobacco, he announced his plan to proudly fly the Stars and Bars.

Donald Trump is no stranger to controversy. He had sided with the protesters in Charlottesville, VA after liberals tried to remove Confederate monuments.

“This flag represents the best of America, it represents us, not the liberal elites” he said, holding his bought and paid for wife, Melania.

The President is in contact with senate republicans to draw up a bill to make the Confederate flag not only protected, but to fly on Capitol buildings alongside the American Flag.

“People died for that flag, very fine people on both sides of that war, but very fine people died for that flag and we ought to celebrate their sacrifices,” the president said Sunday.

As for the controversy that the flag will bring, Trump simply shrugged it off. “There is nothing racist about that flag,” he said as he was crowned Grand Wizard at the NASCAR event

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Bloomberg Corporation Buys Voting Machine Manufacturer

It’s a popular opinon lately that Democratic Presidential candidate Mike Bloomberg has been engaged in a serious plan to use his fortune to buy the Presidency. Well, his latest move seems to cement that theory. After this afternoon, Bloomberg’s multinational corporation gobbled up Hanging/Chadsworth Mechanics, the largest manufacturer of voting machine equipment and services for the 2020 election season.

The purchase is causing alarm among Washington insiders and political pundits. Just minutes after the announcement went public, Fox News host Sean Hannity was rushed to the local hospital’s Severe Diarrhea Wing in serious condition. Fearing that the acquisition could give Bloomberg undue means to manipuate the machines towards his own ends, Senator Lindsey Graham gave a scorching speech on the floor of the house:

“This blatant attempt at tomfoolery has mah britches pulled up halfway into mah silky colon. In all mah years of helping the Republican pahty disenfranchise voters and fix elections, this is the lowest thing ah have evah seen. This is lower than Mike Pence in the shower stall at a firehouse. Ah certainly hope that President Trump will have Mr. Barr look into this dastardly deed before them chickens come home to roost. We have to nip those chickens in their buds. Nip nip!”

Bloomberg has not made a formal statement about the sale, save for a new political commercial airing on stations across the country, featuring two full minutes of his face staring out of the screen and giggling. The billionaire has, however, filed for a name-change for his newly-bought facilities, settling on the business name : “Blue No Matter What You Press, Inc.” It certainly seems like this is an incredible move that may stand to help the Democrats decisively defeat the incumbent President come November.

Obama Presidential Library To Close After Donors Pull Funding

Jackson Park, Chicago. The site of the Barack Obama Presidential Center and Library started off as a brand spanking new recreational facility based on the accomplishments and life of America’s 44th President. With a cost of over two billion dollars, and opened only two years ago, it seems to have been a massive disappointment, and will be closing at the end of February as nearly all of the liberal donors are pulling their funding.

Poor attendence and high building costs seem to be the culprits. The 20-foot tall “Operation” game in the Hall of Obamacare stands unused, supplied by toy company Hasbro, who admitted that they had joined other sponsors in bailing. The tweezers require two people to operate. After a news report surfaced of a senior citizen receiving serious injuries from a flying bit of styrofoam in the “Benghazi Re-Enactment Theater”, the feature was scrubbed and replaced with a shelf holding Sasha and Malia’s third grade swimming trophies. It’s always seemed like a downward spiral, according to head librarian Michelle Castle :

“It’s always seemed like a downward spiral. Not the Nine Inch Nails album. I mean, in real life. People keep chipping away at the plastic display of the ‘Giant Pallets of Cash Sent to Iran’, and it’s a mess. Nobody’s cleaned the multisex bathrooms in a month. Remember the coffee cup he saluted with that one time on Air Force One? It’s gone, stolen. But I think that was Hank, the Historian of the ‘Taking Guns Away’ wing. He’s German, and drinks weird coffee in the morning with mustard in it. So yeah. We got problems.”

Although the permanent closure of the facility hasn’t yet been made public information, it’s a sad reminder that bigger isn’t always better. Let’s hope and pray that President Trump remembers that, and maybe just goes with a corner McDonald’s franchise attatched to a pornographic newsstand.

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